Wendy's Cajun Crunch Spicy Chicken Sandwich Review

These days we get so wrapped up in our favorite digital advertisements on our phones, computers, tablets, televisions, and kitchen appliances, that sometimes we forget to go outside and receive advertising the old fashioned way. I know the kids don't believe in legacy media, but sometimes it just feels good to remind yourself that "We live in a society world!" and go outside to touch grass view print advertising!

Recently, while doing my second favorite activity--driving car / creating traffic--I was blessed with a vision sent from above. Approximately 20 feet above. When I espied the glorious 672 square feet of prime location billboard proclaiming: "NEW CAJUN CRUNCH" at Wendy's. I almost puked from excitement.

The blue to red gradient (while not quite bi-sexual lighting) reminds you that this is sandwich for everyone, no matter your favorite sports team or political views. Or maybe it's supposed to be evocative of the French Flag, honoring their influence in Creole cuisine.

(Can we talk about how irresponsible it is to put a sign like this in a place where people drive? I'm not saying it's anyone's fault, but you shouldn't drive your car at 50mph into the back of my someone else's car causing a six car pile-up just because I someone hard stopped in the middle of the road to bask in the glory of a 32 foot wide perfectly crisp golden battered spicy chicken sandwich topped with pepper jack cheese, Cajun crispy onions, lettuce, pickles, and a spicy mustard spread).

After faking a pretty bad neck injury for insurance reasons and calling the police, I started texting (not while driving! #X) everyone I know to share the good news. Finding out about this new fast food sandwich has been the most exciting thing to happen to me since discovering Rap Snacks.

Make 'em say "uuuunnnghhhabhalbhpbbbbff"

However, instead of driving straight to Wendy's for instant gratification (I wasn't hungry, sorry, sue me!) I pulled off into a parking lot and used my smart phone to find out more information immediately. I guess that's a different type of instant gratification, if you think about it--except I wasn't gratificationalized with what I discovered! 

[Suspense filled pause as the reader wonders what the author has discovered]

What I read, which deflated my expectations significantly, is that the sandwich was a standard spicy chicken filet. They did not develop a new Cajun spice blend for the chicken! Nor even a powder to sprinkle on top; which could also be used to create Cajun fries--which they do not offer (a huge missed opportunity IMHO)! I mean, why shouldn't I just go to Popeye's at this point? 

You already got a sneak peak of the special ingredients in the text above. This is a standard Wendy's Spicy Chicken sandwich but it also has:

• Pepper Jack cheese (spicy, but not Cajun)
• Cajun crispy onions (the only "Cajun" ingredient)
• Lettuce (standard sandwich ingredient (do I need to link to a Woke Article about Wendy's labor practices when it comes to their produce?))
• Pickles (arguably "Southern" in theme, but also fairly ubiquitous in sandwiches)
• Spicy mustard spread (I don't have any additional info about this topping)

(I don't read below this part, it's usually just a bunch of random websites)

 

 

Well so the air is out of my balloon, but I'm still curious to try this new sandwich offering from my girlfriend's restaurant (the anime mascot, not the real woman whom I respect as an autonomous person with every right to live free from unsolicited impositions, implied or otherwise, made by handsome blog authors (redundant)).

Getting The Food (Wendy's Cajun Crunch Spicy Chicken Sandwich Combo Meal (<--SEO Robots Crawl This))

It's a few or more days later and I'm starting to become nervous about how long this Limited Time Special Edition sandwich will stick around. Probably all summer, or until Mr. Beast announces a competing Cajun chicken sandwich and re-ignites the Great Chicken Sandwich Wars of 2019. So one evening while I'm driving around to test out the new gasoline I just put into my car (I had to use a new gas station because they tore "mine" down, and I wanted to make sure they had good gas at this new one too (and luckily it was one of the gas stations that plays loud video advertisements at the pump so I could continue learning about products and services while waiting for the fuel to dispense (would people be interested in reading gas and/or gas station reviews?))).

Yeah and I'm driving, gee whiz isn't it great to be a nation of automobiles? And I think, tonight is the night for Wendy's CCSCS. Now I'm in a bit of a Wendy's desert ever since the scourge arm of the Plandemic swept across our fair city. In many ways the world changed forever (citation needed). It might be healthier to speculate or write about this topic in a separate, non-public forum. Unless...No, so I'm driving MILES!! (2.4mi) to the nearest Wendy's so that I can finally taste the BIG EASY BIG SPICY (not my words, that's how Wendy's is tagging it). 

It's a little late in the evening for dinner. Think 7:30-8PM range (Europeans, that's 19.30-20.00). And I only mention this because sometimes food quality can suffer during a restaurant's off-peak hours. Like, do you ever go to a Chipotle during not-lunch (12-1) or not-dinner (5:30-6:30) and they're just scraping crusty or soggy scraps out of their buckets, and they're out of a couple of the meats, and the cheese, and the guac, and they're down to 2 employees in the whole building for the shift? And you look at the situation and either resign yourself to a subpar meal because hey you're already there, or shake your head and leave while mumbling and cussing under your breath and just go home and eat a slice of bread or two and go to bed early? That ever happen to you?

The Drive-Thru

There's only one car in front of me. You guessed it, it's a beautiful champagne colored mid-2000's era Honda Civic with a loose part in the exhaust system making a noise that a car enthusiast might describe as a rattle. I'm not car-shaming this guy, I'm world-building. For I, too, am in a post-prime vehicle (but the new gasoline seems to be combusting wonderfully if you happen to care).

Sometimes it's nice to have a couple cars in front of you, so you have time to study the menu. In the age of apps it's a wonder they still have one at all. I should have majored in Drive Thru Theory in college, it's such an interesting topic. They don't want you looking at it (the menu board), they want you to feel rushed so that you just order the big thing they're promoting up front. It's why they put it around a bend, so you can't see it until it's time to make a decision. And then, not wanting to hold up the line, you stammer "uh um yeah um just gimme the uh crunchy Cajun combo, make it medium, and uh with a Sprite please."

And then you realize that no one is listening. The friendly voice that just said "Welcome to Wendy's may I take your order" was just a recording and the lone woman inside the store is frantically trying to fulfill the previous guest's order and run the cash register and work the drive thru radio. And she's got to take her gloves off to handle the money and put new ones on to handle the food. And, no one wants to work these days, she thinks (she's a little older, and the problem is these youths, she thinks) but really it's so the store can save a few bucks on staff. "You're management track," the district manager lies to Cheryl to make her feel better about the amount of responsibility they heap upon her without an equal increase in pay. 

"Ho'd on a minnit! I be right with youu" (how do you type this in a Kentucky style accent?) Cheryl interrupts the pre-recorded voice of the market-tested Platonic ideal of a Wendy's cashier that I already ignored. Then a mysterious third voice tells me to go ahead with my order and is also cut off mid-sentence as Cheryl comes back on to verify "you said with a Sprite?"

"Yes please" (Oh dangit, I forgot they also have special limited edition Tangerine Twist Lemonade right now, should I cancel the Sprite and get that instead? No it's too late just stick with the Sprite) 

"Anythang else?"

"No thanks" (I should have asked for napkins and ketchup. They never give those to you anymore, though, even when you specifically ask for them. I'd only use maybe 2 ketchup packs anyways, then put the rest in a drawer or plastic storage container with the rest of the soy sauce and salsa packets, and then throw them away in a couple years, but that's not the point)

"$10.48, pull around"

My brain: TEN DOLLARS FOR A MEDIUM COMBO MEAL AT WENDY'S??

You don't have to read this part. It's just that contrary to appearances from what you might read on here, I don't actually go get fast food that much. And so every time I go, I'm shocked about how much has changed. Namely, it's a worse product for more money. Just like everything else these days, amirite? And this has been compounded through the dynamic synergies between inflation, corporate greed, and all of these rare once-in-a-lifetime events that seem to keep happening and which change the world forever (do we have a source for this claim yet?).  

I pull around to the only window and hand Cheryl my magic plastic card, she hands it back after a moment (no receipt given so that I cannot prove this visit, or complain to the number at the bottom if it is unsatisfactory). Cheryl hands me what appears to be a very large Sprite. I don't need this much soda pop, I barely want any. I just ordered Medium size combo to get the larger size of french fries. (I think if I had used the app, or the indoors self-serve touchscreens I could have customized my order to be a bigger fries without a bigger drink). Cheryl passes me the bag, and it feels suspiciously light. Not like anything is missing, but I expected it to weigh more based on the size of the sandwich on the billboard. Yeah, no, I'm not that dumb; I don't think it's a 32ft sandwich in the bag. It just doesn't have the heft that you'd expect to feel in a Premium Limited Edition Sandwich.

Bag Fries

Do Zoomers even know what bag fries are? You see, kids, back in the day, the apathetic underpaid teenage, uh, kids like yourself, uhh wage laborers highly valued associates at fast food restaurants used to heap mounds of extra fries into the container and let all of the overflow fall into your food bag. So you'd get all these bonus French fries at the bottom of your bag, it was awesome! But then they stopped doing that, and stopped giving you an inch of napkins, and a fistful of condiment packets. Because, hey, The Mackenzie Group pointed out that our company was losing millions of dollars per year. We need to protect our profits. We have C-Suite bonuses to consider, after all. 

"That sounds like over-consumption. Why would you expect more than you pay for anyways, check your privilege. Don't you know those oils are bad for you? I actually focus on ingredient based meals at home so I don't know about that kind of stuff" -- A Zoomer, probably.

So alas no bag fries, but nothing hits quite like a fresh hot French fry. Potatoes didn't have to go this hard! (You're right, that feels shoe-horned. Would it be better if I said fresh hot fries slap?) I'm sneaking fries is what I'm saying. I'm not waiting until I get home. You can't not sneak some fries. The quality deteriorates so rapidly if allowed to cool too much. You have to value the temperature of the food and eat it when it's at its peak.

This is the first sign of trouble--a harbinger of inevitable disappointment.

The French Fries are not quite right. There's something off about them. Too starchy? Too...something. Je ne sais quois. (Wendy's Marketing Executive: Come try fresh hot Wendy's French fries--the indescribable taste that will leave you speechless!). 

I think it might have something to do with their French fry technology restructuring that occurred as a result of the "Door-Dashification" of American dining habits. (caused by a once in a lifetime event that forever left it's mark upon this world). I might be misremembering and am unable to "do my own research" at the moment (lazy, deadlines), but didn't Wendy's start spraying their fries with a special SAFE TO CONSUME FOOD BASED ADDITIVE so that the fries endured more enduringly in the bag to survive longer car trips in the UberEats passenger seat? Because people were complaining more about the fries being bad when the GrubHub arrived? That is, if the Postmates driver didn't already help themselves to 20% of the fries on the drive over (consider it a tip!). [Editor's note: More info about Wendy's French fries changes here]

Sandwich Time

This is what we're all here for. How is the dang sandwich? Is it Cajun? Is it Crunch? Is it Spicy? Is it Chicken? Is it Sandwich?

Let me begin with a few photographic images unveiling this masterpiece of creation:

The official press release photo of W'sCCSCS, for comparison

First unwrapping

Bird's eye view

Under the hood

The Bite cross-section

As you can see in the high quality, well-lit, mobile phone photographs, the actual sandwich is nearly identical to the promotional image published by Wendy's. I'm just kidding around of course. This looks terrible. And let me remind you, it's TINY! (**extremely gentle voice** Hey buddy, tiny for a Premium Sandwich, and it's okay some women like smaller sandwiches and don't mind if they look kinda nasty)

Ingredients

It looks like they're all there in some respect. You got the Spicy Chicken filet. Melted PJ Cheese. Generous to call that lettuce. A couple pickles. There's a sauce on it. And the star of the show, some crispy onions, supposedly Cajun in flavor. Bun of course. So I am confident to say: Yes, this is Sandwich. And reasonably well assured that also: Yes, this is Chicken.

Flavor

Is it Spicy? About as much as a standard Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Wendy's. Which can be hit or miss, but trend on the lower end of the Scoville scale. So, compared to un-breaded un-seasoned plain  boiled chicken: Yes, this is Spicy. And I think most of that comes from the chicken breading. I should have individually tested the mustard and onion straws to see if either had spice. Alas.

Amazingly, some of the onion straws retain their crunch amidst the surrounding soggy ingredients. And there's a bit of crunch inherent to the fried chicken filet. I will say: Yes, this is Crunch, not much, but as appropriate for a sandwich. If you desire more crunch then maybe you are better off eating a snack item like corn nuts.

Cajun?

Sadly there is nothing particularly Cajun flavored about this. Maybe I don't even know what Cajun flavor really means, it's more of a vibe. Let me look it up.

According to allrecipes-dot-com the spices involved in a Cajun blend are "black pepper, white pepper, cayenne pepper, onion powder, garlic powder, and paprika. For different flavors, some Cajun spice mixes include salt, mustard powder, chile peppers, or cumin."

Cajun ingredients according to ALL RECIPES

The spices in the Cajun Crispy Onions

I just want to take a moment aside to acknowledge how terrible "blogger.com" is as a blogging platform. Does Google even still support this arm of their business? Composing, formatting, and editing are all very janky.

The seasoning listed for Wendy's Cajun Crispy onions are: Salt, Paprika [Color], Chili Pepper, Garlic Powder, Spices (what??? this could be anything!!!), Onion Powder. 

So there are some overlapping ingredients between these Cajun spices. Enough that I'm willing to say that: Yes, the Onion Straws are Cajun. BUT! I don't think it's enough of a flavor profile to call the whole sandwich Cajun!

Adjuncts

Cheese. Yes yes, the pepper jack cheese adds some spice. I forgot to mention that earlier. Cheese on chicken is a little strange as a concept, but it seems to work in sandwich form. Pepper jack is probably the most appropriate choice for this sandwich. Any mild melty cheese would have worked to round out the mouthfeel and flavor profile.

Lettuce. My sandwich had the whitest limpest shreds of lettuce you could imagine. And you gotta think that it's pretty standard. Look at how green the lettuce is in the promo image, it's so green it might even be a different variety than iceberg. 

Pickles. Pretty good. Nice flavor and crunch. It's very Southern Chicken Sandwich coded. Again, I don't know if it's particularly Cajun in nature to have dill pickles on a chicken sandwich. Not inappropriate here, however.

Mustard/Sauce. I dunno. Like mentioned earlier, I should have tried to taste a dab alone. I can't tell that it did much heavy lifting for flavor, but it did make the sandwich wetter creamier.

Bun. Pretty standard seeming bun, no surprises here. Slightly sweet bread, plenty soft.

The Wendy's Cajun Crunch Spicy Chicken Sandwich

Looking back at each individual component, you might think that this sandwich delivers on the promise of the premise. It's checking boxes. It's presenting. So I may as well just get right to it (finally):

The Wendy's Cajun Crunch Spicy Chicken Sandwich is BAD!

Wendy should be ashamed of herself! A pathetic attempt at a Premium Sandwich! Unfulfilling! Just a tiny weak un-special option. Not only does it fail to deliver on the hype, it makes me not trust any future hype. Wendy's X (formerly Twitter) account should do their trademark sassy slapback replies against themselves! It's been so hard for me to hold this back all review. 

Rarely have I ever been so disappointed in a fast food sandwich. Seriously, just go to Popeyes. Their chicken is better, their Cajun spice is better, more varieties of sides from which to select. 

You see I keep referencing this being a Premium Sandwich, a Limited Edition Special Menu Option. And that is part of the disappointment. I would rank this MUCH HIGHER if it were offered as part of a special $5 Biggie Bag, because it's about on par with a Jr Bacon Cheeseburger. Certainly not bad in its own right, but definitely not a prestige burger. The W'sCCSCS is completely over-hyped and mis-valued. This isn't bad because it's "disgusting" or anything. It's just truly pathetic to the point of being embarrassing for them.

Big Easy. Big Spicy. Big WHIFF! 

Whenever I review Wendy's specifically, I am careful to not be too overly harsh because there is a narrow chance that I could one day have a corporate position with the company. (In fact, Hire Me, I can HELP you! I can FIX this!) And maybe it's just the world we live in now, forever changed by that rare freak event five years ago; where it's converging with late stage capitalism in new mind-boggling ways that are deteriorating the structures of American living that we know, love, and depend upon. But I mean this when I say: Wendy's, do better. 

"Sorry for this" --TWSS

It's Miller Time!

Celebrating 50 Years of Miller Beer With Limited Edition Gimmick Products

It's Memorial Day weekend and after we've thanked and remembered our troops, what better way to spend the extra day off work than sitting down to enjoy some limited edition anniversary special releases from one of the top beer conglomerates?

This is going to be quick because I have to get back to standing around with the fellas saying "uhyup" King Of The Hill style. I just wanted to drop a quick review after spotting these irresistible items in the grocery store.

The Golden Can

Hey, it's beer! If you've ever tasted Miller Lite beer, then this will be instantly recognizable to your mouth as the exact same beer, but in a golden colored can. I got a twelve-pack of 16oz cold ones for a cool $13.99. Is this a good deal? I don't even know anymore! It should keep you and your buddies fueled for a few yard games this weekend, though. 

{,50,}
THE ORIGINAL LIGHT BEER SINCE 1975
Inside is a fine pilsner beer, brewed with the highest quality ingredients. We use choice hops from the Pacific Northwest as well as noble Saaz hops and deliver more taste, aroma, and color with only 96 calories per 12 oz. Cheers to another 50 years of Miller Time.
Lite

Limited Edition Pringles Flavors

Featuring: Grilled Beer Brat & Beer Can Chicken

First, some pictures:

Shouldn't these go to the top?

Similar in appearance

The Beer Can Chicken looks like it has more flavor

Upon opening the can you are hit with the underwhelming aroma of Pringle (cooked potato mush). It's hard to smell anything decidedly BRAT (summer) or chicken about either. Though as you can see the chicken flavor has a little more color to it in the flavor powder.

Flavor

Hey I'm just going to get right to it. Both are basically flavorless. They taste like a salty potato-y snack, but neither have anything close to the flavor described on the label. In a blind taste test, you might say it's a regular Pringle with a strange after-taste. These have flavor the same way a La Croix has flavor, maybe not even that strong. 

And, the Beer Brat chip is thicker and stronger in a bad way, in a too thick and too stale way. The chicken flavor is at least light and crispy like a regular Pringle.

Neither have any hint of beer either, despite listing "beer extract" as an ingredient. Also, notably, these don't contain alcohol, but are for adults only? Is this type of brand-collab some sneaky loophole to advertise alcohol products to children?

I didn't realize this had bioengineered ingredients. Really makes you think

Check out the ingredients. Stock up before RFKJr bans these!

Summary

These are bad! A waste of money! If you're crushing Miller Lite beers and want something to munch on, you could do worse. It's fine as a chip if you like Pringles. But if you want to buy something because it's a limited edition special flavor, then you will be disappointed in these. I'm going to try to reuse the tubes as coozies. They look like they should hold 2 standard size cans.

Did Pringles fall off??? (online research indicates, yes. for instance they no longer put green specks on the sour cream & onion flavor to visually evoke green onion particles)

Have safe and happy Memorial Day Weekend! 

Dear Diary

 I am no longer passionate about blogging.

Doritos Blaze Flavored Corn Chips Review

We are quickly approaching the date 4/20 (blaze it) so I thought it would be the perfect time to review Doritos Blaze. It's a flavor of corn chip created by the Frito Lay Corporation. You're perhaps familiar with the standard Doritos flavors: "Nacho Cheese" (the default/original flavor) and "Cool Ranch" (also known as "Cool American" in non-American countries). Blaze is relatively new and somewhat scarce in many chips aisles--two reasons why I had to try it.

The truth is, though, I've been working on the same bag of Doritos Blaze corn chips since the US American Football Super Bowl Tournament. At this point that's about two months of Blaze. And it hasn't taken me so long to eat these chips because I'm a bit of a health nut. Because I've totally crushed entire bags of other styles and flavors of chips and snacks in the interim. I've been savoring these DBlazes for so long because (review preview: I don't like them).

I don't want to finish the bag even though it's primarily crumbs at this point. And I don't want to waste food. Can I mail a mostly eaten bag of chips to starving children someplace? Will local ducks eat DBlaze?

The Bag

It's purple: I love it! Look, there's flames and smoke. U kno it's hottt fam. Is Doritos trying to capture the Hot Cheetos and Takis market? So based on packaging and the name I might assume these are hot chips. Have I done this before? This all feels very familiar like I have already reviewed DBlaze at some point in the past 2 months. Maybe it's just the same unpublished draft that I've been sculpting in my brain. I could check, but who has time for that. Besides: fresh content. FT makes the world go round and I am here to sling 'tent.

The Chip

I don't have a picture. I took the crumb bag to work hoping that I could trick a co-worker into eating my leftovers or that I might get snackish enough during a brain storm to finish the bag (so far no good). They basically appear similar to standard NachoCheeseD's but are more red because of the red blaze powder.

Fingers

These will ruin a shirt or pants or sofa arm if you wipe before licking or using a napkin or whatever. If you use a napkin to wipe your mouth after eating some you might think your lips are bleeding. These leave a very red stain.

Taste

Doritos Blaze aren't good. Part of what makes Doritos so good is their iconic flavor profile. When they get adventurous with flavors it may as well be a dollar store chip. Though, the light texture and crunch are still signature Dorito, the flavor is just nothing special (or ingrained into my psyche from a lifetime of advertising). Hey speaking of crunch, whatever happened to Doritos for girls?

So how hot are they? Not that hot, but also pretty hot. They are hot enough to provide a not-enjoyable eating experience. And it's not a good hot like I'm having a delicious spicy burrito or buffalo wings. They're hot in the way that doesn't provide dimension and just sneaks up on you after eating a bunch. The hotness doesn't add flavor. It's like they isolated the hot part of a pepper and turned it into a flavorless powder and then added fake pepper chemical powder flavor back into it and put it onto the chip. Eating hot foods should be fun. Eating Doritos Blaze corn chips is not fun. And, uh, you also, uh, regret it later, if uh, you know what I mean. Hint: digestive system.

Who are these for? Middle&High school boys? Stoners? Bloggers who automatically buy new flavors of things just to review them? That's actually probably a demographic that companies target now. Hmm, interesting. I think these are for No One. It was an idea that had enough legs to leave the ideas room and hit the shelves. I certainly won't be purchasing another bag of Blaze. And if I wouldn't do it, who would?

Conclusion

Do not recommend. Although, in retrospect, maybe if paired with an Ice Flavor Mountain Dew or whatever that Peter Dinklage / Morgan Freeman commercial was, these really come to life.

Questions About Teachers And Guns

It seems as though every time there is a school shooting (way too frequently!) one of the talking points bandied about is that of arming teachers. In theory (I think) this is intended as a preventative measure to discourage a student bringing a gun to school, as well as a solution to stopping whatever rampage that student might be planning. And while I think most people aren't fully serious about this as an actual way to solve the problem of gun violence, many people seem to enjoy at least entertaining the idea as a plausible course of action. (citation needed)

And as I think about it, I just have some questions for the advocates of arming educators.

• Is it all teachers, or just ones that want to participate in the program?
• Is it up to the district or the state to decide who carries a weapon? 
• Will a teacher be forced to join the program against their will, or alternately transfer to another district or state if they don't want to be armed? Even the elderly teachers or those with poor vision?
• What kind of vetting will the teachers get? Surely there are some employees in school systems who should not have a gun. Perhaps even those who want a gun the most ("teaches" study hall & coaches football)
• Is the teacher expected to provide his/her own gun, or is it provided by the school?
• Does that come out of the school's budget?
• Will teachers be given a gun allowance to aid in the purchase of a firearm (teachers are under-paid!)?
• What kind of gun? Are there restrictions?
• What training will they receive? Who will pay for it? And renewal of permits?
• Will they be expected to have the gun on their person at all times during the day, or will it be locked in their desk?
• Does adding guns to a gun-free environment increase the risk of gun violence?
• Students steal hall passes, what happens if they steal the teacher's gun?
• Will the students know which teachers are armed and plan to avoid them or alternately target them?
• Will this start an arms race where students upgrade to explosives or other means of causing harm?
• Who will provide counseling to the teacher who has to decide whether or not to murder a child?
• What kind of leave will be provided to a teacher who has to shoot a child? And will they be welcomed back to their normal position? Will they even want to return?
• What if the teacher isn't Jason Bourne and accidentally shoots another student or faculty member?
• What qualifies as a threat that demands a gun response? Can you shoot a kid with a knife? What about a kid spraying bleach in people's eyes with a squirt gun?
• How can teachers be expected to respond appropriately when trained police officers often shoot innocent people or overreact to an intense situation?

I don't intend this to be a full examination of a very serious issue because I know it's not. But giving teachers guns is such a ridiculous idea that I cannot fathom that anyone would actually believe this would solve anything.

And it doesn't have to come down to taking your guns away, which is why I think many people are upset. Guns are a tool and they have a purpose. People rely on guns to procure food, or protect themselves from animals and humans alike. They can be fun to shoot. They can be a hobby. You can appreciate the craftsmanship and engineering of a gun. You can collect rare or interesting guns.

There just has to be a different way. There has got to be something that we all as a combined nation, and also as individual humans, can do to avoid these types of situations and to get out of this mindset that trying to solve a problem like this is somehow impeding on our individual liberty. You aren't free anyways. Do you have a credit card? Do you have a job that you hate? Are you locked into a mortgage that you'll never pay off? Heck, can you even afford to get a mortgage in the first place? Where is your liberty? Where is your freedom? Guns were guaranteed in the Bill of Rights so that a populace could defend itself against a tyrannical government. And as Dr. Phil would say "So how's that workin' out for ya?"

...I know...I took the bait and had an emotional response to a bait debate that was probably created by a Russian Troll Farm to further divide Americans. But come on people. We're all in this together. Stop shooting each other please.

Last Minute Preview and Predictions for Super Bowl LII

We are mere hours away from Super Bowl LII (52?) where the New England Patriots and Philadelphia Eagles will battle it out on the gridiron for the Championship Title: "NFL Champions." Who will win? What are you eating? Where will you watch it? What are you wearing?

I'm wearing jersey knit bottoms in charcoal by Fruit of the Loom with a soft all-cotton Hanes Beefy-T in Aquatic Blue featuring a screen print of Widespread Panic's 2008 Red Rocks tour design. And despite being red carpet ready, I'll be watching the match from home to avoid all of the cool dudes and dudettes who drive after drinking. Hey, buzzed driving is drunk driving, you guyz.

Speaking of catching a buzz, no American Football game would be complete without a bevy of frosty ones waiting to be cracked. Like all red blooded blue collar Americans I like to have a fridge full of Bud Light at all times. If I were a king I would command my court wizard to magically transform all of my possessions into cases of Bud Light. Dilly dilly. What a great advertising campaign! I can't wait to see their Super Bowl commercials!

And that's really the point of the Super Bowl, right? Viewing advertising! There are 32 teams in the NFL and only 2 of them are playing. Statistically, only 6.25% of football fans care about the outcome of this match. For everyone else it's about eating way too much food and drinking beer and hanging out with buddies. And displays of athleticism.

I guess it's also about politics now though. Who will stand and who will sit during the National Anthem? What opinions will sportscasters have? We must divide our country at all costs so that they are fragile and more receptive to advertising.

You know, I woke up this morning with the regret that I spend so much time asleep where I can't yet receive targeted and relevant advertising.

This Bud Light is really good. It's the perfect beer-style drink to wash down my Doritos flavored corn tortilla chips. I got the new flavor "BLAZE!" and am very eager to try eating them. I can tell by the package design that they will taste fun, and maybe a little bit hot because there are wafts of smoke illustrated above the enlarged to show texture chip on front of the bag. And the illustrated chip itself is surrounded in a fire-like glow. Potential Doritos Blaze review upcoming.

Will these be hottt? How bad is tomorrow going to be for me?

Let's talk some more about Bud Light. On the front of the can it proudly boasts that it is made with rice. Talk about trying to turn your liabilities into assets. It's still beer. It'll still get you turnt. It'll take "no" out of your vocabulary so that it is easier to commit sex crimes. And so but, like, you know, come on.

But wait, there's more food. 7 layer dip! Guacamole! A vegetable tray! Pizza! Cookies shaped like footballs! And the best sports food: wings! Watching football without chicken wings is like being a lumberjack that doesn't wear flannel.

Who Will Win?

The "Iggles" are the underdog who many people want to see win because they are tired of the Patriot's dynasty and Tom Brady's smug face. But the Patriots are so good for a reason. What are some factors going into today's matchup?

Half of the Eagles have the flu. (Bird flu?)
Gronkowski is out for the Pats (concussed)
Brady has stitches in his hand
I don't know. Do your own gambling research. Reading sports blogs is hard work and confusing.
What it really comes down to is mascots and the national mood.
What is more patriotic than a Patriot? But what is more American than an eagle? In hand to hand combat a human man would beat a bird eagle 99% of the time. In fact, humans are so good at killing animals that bald eagles are/were endangered. But how do Americans feeeel? Many are upset with the current state of affairs and aren't feeling very Patriotic at all, but still feel like America means something. America is all that is good and right in the world. Where else can you ride a go-cart to buy more Doritos because you are too large to support your own weight than in America? And the EAGLE is a symbol of that. We love symbolism.
We also know that the NFL is rigged, though. Do you know who won the Super Bowl at the end of the season that spanned 9/11/2001? The New England Patriots! Just when it was a time where America needed to feel unified and powerful and pride for the nation. The books could be cooked this year again. MAGA and such.

Regardless of what happens, we can count of Philadelphians to not behave like normal rational people. A win will see them flipping cars in celebration. A loss will see them burning cars in frustration. Minneapolis PD & Philly PD have their work cut out for them tonight.

I am predicting an upset. Eagles over Pats 27-26. It will come down to the wire. There will be questionable calls. Someone will have a career-threatening injury. Someone will be ejected from the game. Oh I forgot to talk about half-time.

Half-Time

Justin Timberlake returns to prove that he still makes music. Last Super Bowl Half-Time Show that JT did, he surprised us all on live TV by ripping away the dress of Janet Jackson and showing us her crusty boob with a star pasty. (You can't pull this kind of stunt anymore because the nation is on high alert with sexual misconduct stuff). Expect Left Shark to make a guest appearance? Fingers crossed for an Andy Samberg cameo appearance.
I watched a new Justin Timberlake video on youtube yesterday, something about a lumberjack. The song could've been written for Meaghan Trainor. Music is weird how sometimes none of it matters, just shut up and listen and buy the album you idiot. It was also weird because JT is aging out of his boyish good looks into regular-old handsome good looks. I am curious to see how his image/career changes as he ages.

This was supposed to be short. Have a fun and safe Super Bowl LII. Eat plenty and don't drink and drive! God Bless!

Taylor Swift's Reputation

At the time of this writing it has been a fortnight and four since the drop of Taylor Swift's hot new record Reputation. And since its midnight release I have been listening to the album on repeat non-stop except for breaks to listen to The Writer's Almanac. Even in my sleep my eardrums thrum to the thuds of the deep throbbing bass, wondering what I made her do. I'm ready for discourse. (Note to self: in that last sentence I see potential for some type of disc golf course related play on words. Circle back to this in the future)

Are You Ready For It?

So clever. So good. This is the title of the opening track of the album. It both engages the listener as an active participant as well as establishes expectations for the remainder of the album. AYRFI (as fans refer to it) is also one of the songs that came out as a single in advance of the full album.

What this song does well: it blends the sing-songy melodic characteristics of vintage Taylor with the over-produced electronicish pop-trash of new Taylor. It acts as a tertiary step to acclimate the tender sensitivities of longtime fans by referencing established motifs while preparing them for the aural garbage landslide that is about to assault their ears.

Getting Ahead Of Ourselves

As an established and well respected music critic, I'm afraid I'm wearing my review heart on my blog sleeve a bit here. But before we delve into the many pitfalls and shortcomings of this album (spoiler alert), let's look at the numbers.

Wait. So I'm Microsoft Bing Searching for statistics about record (album) sales because I know it broke all sorts of records (historical milestones) and made like a bajillion dollars in a day and I'm learning all sorts of things that I would have known if I had done more research beyond listening to the album for over 430 hours continuously. Like did you know that Reputation had an official partnership with the United Parcel Service? You could snap a selfie with a specially vinyl wrapped UPS truck and post it on social media for "improved chances" at scoring tickets to a concert. (I propose raising an undead army of skeletons to wage war upon marketing teams worldwide)

And also, I'm about to tell you all of the bad things I thought about this album and am learning that other music critics are saying good things about this album. Is this all just part of the machine? No one benefits from negative reviews, but everyone gets paid when there's praise. Maybe my lens is fogged.

Taylor Swift

She started as the country darling who could connect to the youth with her songs about heartbreak and romance. It was all real boy-crush, girl-crush music. And while it was always pop-country, she endeared herself as the singer-songwriter type who wrote all of her own music in earnest. As she and her sound matured she distanced herself from her humble gee-golly country girl beginnings, but never really lost the image of a musician who writes her own songs. It may be naive on my part to assume that some musicians still make their own music, but with this album she seems to have only a minor hand in songwriting, if any at all.

Part of this problem is in the music industry and media. These aren't just people who are musicians anymore. These are brands. Everything about their life and public perception is carefully curated and presented to the world. So it's important to talk about the person (TSwizzle) especially when the album and its contents strongly alludes to public perception and how the "artist's" reputation might be tarnished.

Taylor is a reputed serial dater who participates in tumultuous relationships for the purpose of creating music about being burned by relationships. This is win-win because she gets to write about both the struggles of falling in love, and also the pain of heartbreak from people who don't care enough or whatever.

Additionally, she apparently has beef with other pop-stars such as Katy Perry. I don't know what this beef is and if it is real or manufactured drama created by record executives, but it works its way (often not so subtly) into her music (deliberate for sales boost? create drama, elevate drama).

The Crux

These two things (relationships & petty feuds) are, for me, the crux of this album's pitfalls. It becomes laborious and exhausting trying to decode the lyrics and figure out who or what event Swift at which is hinting.

Taylor Swift Is Dead

"The old Taylor can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, because she's dead!" First, the concept of "coming to the phone" is so dated and hilarious to think about. Like, remember when there were only landlines and you had to call a person's house and speak to their parents first before talking to your friend? And how even more harrowing that prospect was when you were calling someone you were, uh, interested in?

She's making a statement that she's not who she was and that she has reinvented herself. This point is strongly reinforced in the music video where she portrays all of her past character iterations in a battle for the neon cross (neon T (in Ford we trust)). But why?

The New Taylor Swift

If the old one is dead then we presumably have a new one. What is she like? Well, from what I can tell she is dark and oily and dances like Beyonce. There's a little bit of s&m 50 shades vibe, but also like "I am still a very precious object don't touch me" kind of deal. And she is all about auto-tune and bass drops. Taylor will have a long successful career, and hopefully this will be the period that eventually will embarrass her the most.

What Did She Do?

The first single to drop and probably the catchiest earworm on the album is "Look What You Made Me Do." But what did she do? Steve Irkel often wondered if he did that. Is this a Family Matters reference?

But really, what did she do? Because I remember something about a year or two ago. It was something she said or did that had bad optics. And I remember thinking that she would have to lay low for a while and then release something new and flashy. Because until that point she was a golden child who could do no wrong and I'm going to take a moment to see if I can figure this out. She has a very good agent/publicist, btw.

Was it all the groping stuff and lawsuit with that DJ? The suits and counter-suits or possibly something that resulted from the trial? It was mos def bad optics. But I need a Taylor Swift historian to weigh in here.

Or was it in reference to Kanye West? See, here I am again trying to decode lyrics to what is little more than a catchy pop song. Is she Santa Claus, because she has a list that she is checking twice?

Hype Machine

This is what Taylor does best. She (and all her people) drummed up so much hype and anticipation for this album. They did marketing very well, despite being attacked by a skeleton army the entire time. And I too was pumped for the whole album. Because the singles (LWYMMD, AYRFI, and Gorgeous) were interesting but didn't reveal too much and I wanted to hear them in context of the entire album.

Boy, let me tell you: if disappointment were red shoes I'd be Ronald McDonald. (Red, another Taylor Swift album and also a special edition U2 iPod in the Apple Store). Because, y'all, despite all the hype and anticipation...

Here's The Deal

In the end it's still just a pop record for teenage girls. All of the songs that aren't about mysterious celebrity beefs or having receipts are about wanting to be in certain relationships, being in relationships, and dealing with the fall-out of past relationships. Age old themes present themselves like "if it is bad, then why does it feel good?" to which many young people will explore their sexuality and have many awakenings (Kate Chopin? (which I guess might actually might be somewhat relevant)).

The record doesn't defy or challenge conventions by any stretch. So many of the songs I could see just as easily on an album by, like, Selena Gomez or Pink or Miley Cyrus or whatever else is on the radio.

Assorted quotes and quick takes:

"My drug is my baby I be using for the rest of my life"

"Delicate" starts off like an Imogen Heap sounding song.

Does the song "So It Goes..." reference Vonnegut?

She mentions being "chill" in several songs but never says Netflix

"You should think about the consequence of your magnetic field being a little too strong" is basically pro-rape and it's the victim's fault

She makes "ooOOhh" and other assorted moaning sounds in a lot of the songs. I would like an isolated vocals track of just these.

"You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it / I had a bad feeling / And darling, you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis" also rape-centric lyrics

"My baby's fly like a jetstream" pro-chemtrail mind control propaganda. Later in the song sings about chains around her neck (slavery)

"Only bought this dress so you could take it off" glorifies rape culture. Women can only do things like shopping for clothes and want to be dominated by men.

TL;DR

You know those 5 paragraph essays you wrote in high school? I think soon they will be 5.1 where that extra tenth is a TL;DR at the end of every essay.

So the new album by Taylor Swift, Reputation is okay. It's got some bangers. It feels a little uninspired and derivative. It's mainly about teenage girl problems. The old Taylor might be dead, but this can't be her final form. Admittedly, I am only a fan of the hits. I couldn't tell you about any TSwizzle deep cuts and I think that will continue to be true after this album. I'm a fair weather Swift Head.

Rating: I dunno, like 6/10? What is even good or bad these days?
She's still pretty, though, and for girls that is the only thing that matters.